Discipline

What's in a word?

Discipline. If a disciple is a follower, then "discipline" means "to follow something". Self-discipline means to cause yourself to follow something, usually a rule or command or a self-imposed schedule. Disciplinarian (as in parents, adminstrators) are those who are finicky about people following rules. And a Disciplinary Tribunal is one who tries to enforce rules by giving sanctions to those who didn't. An unenviable place. Especially for one so idiosyncratic as myself.

I remember having a tickler in which I placed my plans, the schedule of my daily life. Eventually, I kept putting the same thing over and over again, a victim of procastination. It is hard to keep to a schedule, especially one done without much thought and without much consideration of self and others. It's hard to schedule a life predominantly left to chance. It's hard to let go of really deeply ingrained habits. Easier to float around without want and without direction, than to stake a claim into the future and work hard for it, and fight tooth and limb if need be, conquer lack of self-worth to be able to assert one's rights and needs.

So as I sit in a Student's Disciplinary Tribunal, I am actually subjecting myself to judgement. One so insignificant as myself, a liar and a cheat. I don't believe I will come out of this adventure unscathed, for with every sentence I pronounce, with every "guilty" or "not guilty", with every warning or suspension or dismissal, I face my own demons. By the One who created all, everything has its own place, even the so-called judgement of one who will in turn be judged. So interfere I would in the lives of people I have no knowledge of, other than their perceived mistakes, or lack of judgement, or disregard for written rules in the conduct of a UP student... Ah, but I would see myself in all of them, see myself and rue!

No, I will not run from the trial of my life. Because, in the end, everyone will be called to account.